If you were to write a note to God, what would you say?

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Calm in the midst of a storm...

I just came back from my personal conversation with my Creator, my God, my Best Friend...I needed that talk with Him, as this month is quite a dreary one. My feelings revolve around the memories of events in this month of June - the month of my beloved mother's birthday 75 years ago now, as well as her passing on to the next life three years ago today. That's what usually happens around these dates. But if I were to focus on my feelings alone, and let these rule my whole being, I should be very sad, downcast, feeling so low, unwilling to function. But my feelings, though real and needs attention, are just a part of me. I must take control of these and focus instead on what's really going on. If I am just able refocus, redirect my attention from these nagging doubts about the beauty of life and the joy there is in living and see these sad events from the perspective of eternity, then I would be able to wrest control from the otherwise easy path to depression. My Friend is always ready: to lend me an ear, to comfort and lift me up, to reassure me that everything is going to be fine. It would be unwise of me to not be refreshed by this. After all, my Friend has got me covered - all of me: my past, my present and my future. All I need to do is to be still in His mighty but gentle and loving Presence.

I was just sharing my SJS experience with my high school friends in a small group reunion yesterday. They suggested that I also post the picture a friend took of me when I was in the hospital with all the tell-tale signs of SJS in full view. I never thought of doing that. I still hesitate to do that simply because the picture is despicable, to say the least. But, it does depict in no uncertain terms, what SJS is all about. I must admit I do take a look at these pictures whenever I need to remind myself that I should be fearless in the face of any difficulty, trial or pain. I have gone over the edge and have known that:

• absolutely nothing in this life is worth my worry if it would take away my peace.
• nothing today is worth anything unless it leads me to that blissful tomorrow that I would like to reach.
  
• the present moment is all I've got, and it is for me to enjoy in the presence of my God...
  

Why Be Still?

I had a bout with stomach trouble for several days that left me weak and unable to do anything productive. I realized that I could not nurse myself back to health as I am used to doing whenever I am afflicted with such commonplace malaise. And that is because I am not allowed to drink any medicine without the express approval of my doctor. After having gone back to my normal active (rather super active) lifestyle, I am again reminded that life indeed is frail, and my moments may be fleeting...just one mistake of taking the wrong medicine might trigger the onset of SJS once again, and this time it could be fatal. So I had to endure the pain of not being able to be my usual busy self.

But being forced to slow down, I have come to realize, is also a gift. Why? Because it brings my inner self to be in a state of stillness and peace. Nothing happens if I can't move about. The whole world still continues to spin as it used to. No one will miss me if I am absent for a bit. Unlike when I am bustling with activity, feeling productive and useful, I unknowingly miss the world around me, the little things that do bring joy, the small miracles around me wrapped in the most ordinary events, the stuff going on inside of me where there is a whole new world not everyone shares, but only the Eternal God who lives in me. I suddenly realized: Wow, I have been missing a lot...

Franz Schubert - Ave Maria

Ave Maria!
Jungfrau mild,
Erhöre einer Jungfrau Flehen,
Aus diesem Felsen starr und wild
Soll mein Gebet zu dir hin wehen,
Zu dir hin wehen.
Wir schlafen sicher bis zum Morgen,
Ob Menschen noch so grausam sind.
O Jungfrau, sieh der Jungfrau Sorgen,
O Mutter, hör ein bittend Kind!
Ave Maria!

Ave Maria!
Unbefleckt,
Wenn wir auf diesen Fels hinsinken
Zum Schlaf, und uns dein Schutz bedeckt,
Wird weich der harte Fels uns dünken
Du lächelst, Rosendüfte wehen
In dieser dumpfen Felsenkluft.
O Mutter, höre Kindes Flehen,
O Jungfrau, eine Jungfrau ruft!
Ave Maria!

Ave Maria!
Reine Magd,
Der Erde und der Luft Dämonen,
Von deines Auges Huld verjagt,
Sie können hier nicht bei uns wohnen
Wir woll'n uns still dem Schicksal beugen,
Da uns dein heilger Trost anweht;
Der Jungfrau wolle hold dich neigen,
Dem Kind, das für den Vater fleht!
Ave Maria!

English Translation

Ave Maria! Maiden mild!
Listen to a maiden's pleading
from these rocks, stark and wild,
my prayer shall be wafted to thee.
we shall sleep safely till morning,
though men be ever so cruel.
o Maiden, see a maiden's distress,
O Mother, hear a suppliant child.

Ave Maria, undefiled!
When we upon this rock lie down
to slumber, and they protection covers us,
The hard stone will seem soft to us.
If Though smilest, the scent of roses will float
Through this murky cavern,
O Mother, hear a child's petition,
O maiden, 'tis a maid that calls!

Ave Maria, Maiden pure,
the demons of the earth and air,
drien forth by thy gracious glance
cannot stay here with us.
we will camly bow to fate
Since they holy comfort hovers over us;
Mayest though be favourably inclined to the maiden,
To the child that pleads for her father!

Ave Maria Sung by Andrea Boccelli

Franz Schubert's Ave Maria (original German)

The Most Beautiful Sound of Music

That was the priceless version by Barbara Bonney of Schubert's Ave Maria!

Since that experience at the edge of eternity, I came back with a fresh new perspective on life in time. For me, I have been given what they call the proverbial second life. I now fully understand how frail human life is. You can get hit by a truck as you cross a street, a falling beam as you pass through a construction area, a stray bullet, or you can simply catch a virus...and in an instant you are gone forever. So what then?

Steven Johnson Syndrome (SJS) gave me a dress rehearsal for that unwanted moment. The process itself - of going, of separating the spirit from the body - is a very painful one, that is for sure. And that is why the prospect of death is always a scary one. The pain is very real, because by nature, the human body and the human soul are meant to be united to be one, something like the two sides of the same coin, although that is a poor comparison. The human soul permeates the body and gives it life. The soul, being spiritual, is not subject to death, it lives on separate from the body after the end of mortal life. And that is what will live on outside of time and into forever.

There is life after this, a life that has no ending. And, it can be a much better one than this. That is an understatement. It is the real deal, because once we pass on to the next life, that one will be forever. And here is the crux of the matter: will it be a forever of darkness, of torment and pain? Or will it be a forever of light, of spectacular beauty and indescribable joy? We do have a choice!

Just recently, I had a sneak peek into eternity. I laid in a hospital bed writhing in pain. My entire body was like a big open wound that a slight touch on the skin elicited an agonizing cry from me. My eyes were literally shut with the area where the upper and lower eyelids closed like a cut that bled. I was afflicted with a rare allergy. The doctors diagnosed me with Steven Johnson Syndrome, an allergy that has claimed lives when diagnosed late. When my physical eyes were closed, my inner eye opened. I saw my beloved mother and father who have both passed on, among other people. I still vividly remember everything else that I saw...both the darkness and the light.

Darkness. The darkness were spirits in human form seemingly gliding around me, definitely calling my attention, taunting, sneering, scaring me...crawling insects and other eerie creatures around my bed. The sight resembled a description of hell in Dante's Inferno. It was horrific. it scared the guts out of me. But i was fighting them physically with my rosary on one hand and a bottle of holy water on the other. I had to do something because they wouldn't let me sleep. They wouldn't leave me in peace. They were slowly robbing me of whatever meager strength I had left in my feeble body by making my mind as feeble. Now I know what it means to be tormented. It was mental torture. It was like they wanted me to give up, to give in. Then I asked my caregivers and nurses to confirm if they could see all that I was seeing. They consistently said "no" with a grave concern in their voices that I was delirious, as they said afterwards. I decided to believe what they said and not what I "saw", despite the overwhelmingly impressive presence of these creatures around me. Only then did I gain control over their machinations.

Light. What I saw in the light gave me an indescribable joy that made me forget the excruciating pain my body was being subjected to by the disease. The light freed me from the darkness that had completely seized my helpless mind until I made that decision to disallow it. First, I saw the beautiful blue sky lined by the rays of the sun trying to penetrate through the large blue and white clouds sprawled above. That's what they call the "silver lining". Then in an instant, it seemed that I flew from one beautiful place to another...places I longed to see but have not yet had a chance to visit. I went to see my favorite people, the ones I loved where they actually were at that specific time.

The most vivid, the most unforgettable of all, the one image that will be forever etched in my mind is this one that gave me that priceless feeling of ecstatic joy: I saw Jesus Christ, King of Heaven and Earth, coming down in all His glory surrounded by many, many angels, in the clouds...I saw the most beautiful Face ever, so beautiful I was left speechless but overwhelmed with a joy that made everything else seem trivial. I was so taken by that image that nothing else mattered. He was with His Mother, the Blessed Virgin Mary.

It must have been an instant...although it could have been an eternity, if I had died. But I didn't. Slowly I healed. Slowly I returned to earth where I was before. Instead of going over the edge into eternity, I came back to my mortal life, but with a new perspective that not even a whole lifetime of lessons could have afforded me. It's a perspective that now makes me fearless about anything else that might happen to me in this life - good or bad in terms of this world...because after what I have seen in the light, nothing else matters but that I would behold that Face again...one day...when my time really comes to an end, that's where my eternity begins...that's all that matters because that is what - as I have seen, felt and experienced - has filled all the longings of my heart to a degree the most eloquent would be impoverished to express adequately. There is a much better life after this! And I am going for it!